ICYMI: I'm in the middle of a divorce.
This past year has been brutal.
And it's been wildly illuminating and insanely liberating.
Do you want to hear the very most surprising thing?
For the very first time in my life, I answer to no one.
I aim to please no one.
I have no one to prove my worthiness to.
And THAT'S the crux, isn't it?
THAT'S what's been keeping me small, keeping me suffering, keeping me caged.
I of course didn't realize this was the dynamic I was living in while I was in it (we almost never do).
I'm not just talking about my marriage.
I'm talking about EVERYTHING.
Every social layer that influenced my life since birth:
My family of origin. My teachers. My church congregation. The hierarchy of spiritual leadership I was subject to within that Mormon paradigm, including my understanding of God. My peers. Men. Patriarchy. Strangers. My country. Society.
See, since I was born, I've always had so many people and structures that convinced me I needed to behave in certain ways, be a certain way, to achieve their approval.
And that approval meant safety and protection.
That's the fundamental dynamic of patriarchy.
As you can see, that keeps us incredibly vulnerable.
And always, always, always chasing somebody else to approve of us, find us worthy, find us Good.
Good Girls are who and what patriarchy demands we become if we want social safety and protection. Only Good Girls get approval.
How about some real life examples.
How many of these have you felt? How many of these have you lived?
- Feeling pride or security when in a heterosexual relationship.
- Feeling shame and/or ostracized when not in a relationship.
- Being aware of the popular group even as a young child. Knowing what the kids in those group do, are, wear, etc. that marks them as desirable/sought-after/cool.
- Following a style or beauty trend in order to fit in.
- Spending time, energy, or money on things you know will get you compliments or help you fit in (or not stick out).
- Not claiming to like something you like when it is rejected by others.
- Being an overachiever.
- Staying quiet when it felt too socially risky to speak up for yourself or others.
Because Good Girls understand that there's always a right way to behave in any given situation.
And the right way is the option that gets more social approval.
And since our society is a patriarchal one, patriarchy is the one writing all those spoken and unspoken social rules.
It's been very interesting for me to finally realize that for the first time in my life, I have stepped out of so many of those layers of society that demand I be a Good Girl.
The wildest thing is that I didn't think I was good at being a Good Girl.
I always knew there was so much more I should be, should care about, should change about myself to get even more approval.
Of course this is just another feature of a system designed to keep us in line.
But I truly thought I wasn't as beholden to patriarchy and societal approval as it turns out I still have been. Still am.
I've been working on this a long time.
I mean, I even had one module in my group program last year centered on stepping out of being the Good Girl!
But there was more for me to unravel here.
Here's just a quick rundown of things I've done in the past couple weeks that I never would have done before:
- Blocked people on Instagram.
- Pushed for a full refund.
- Didn't invite someone to a party.
- Reamed my exploitative lawyer and didn't let him dodge accountability.
- Called out some behavior that made me uncomfortable.
- Actively spreading the word not to use the law firm I used. Will be taking further action.
These are not on the list of things a Good Girl should do.
Oh, and I haven't shaved anywhere for weeks. Or worn a bra. Who the hell cares? Nobody! That's who!
The liberation I've felt has been so eye-opening.
Because I thought I'd already gotten here.
I had no idea there were soooo many more layers to work through!
I am having a mind-blowing time reconfiguring my relationship with...everything.
Turns out that every single second, there's a Right Way to behaving, including how you spend your time and attention.
What's the Good Girl version of how I should be behaving right now as a 37-year-old woman very nearly divorced?
I'm sure you can rattle off a version just as easily as I can.
A Good Girl who goes through a divorce The Right Way:
- Is beautiful in her brokenness. Inspires sympathy, is a victim.
- Is to be kept at an arm's length because something's wrong with her / she failed.
- Should take a respectful amount of time before dating or marrying again.
- Should also get married again, as soon as possible. To a man.
- Should work on herself so she doesn't repeat her mistakes.
- Should get a divorce glow-up.
- Should inspire a sense of awe through her grit to persevere.
- Shouldn't complain, shouldn't overshare, shouldn't blame her ex.
- Gets through it all without "falling apart" or asking for much help.
What are the Good Girl behaviors that are suffocating you in your life at the moment?
In what areas of your life are you performing for approval?
What's the Good Girl script you're living?
And...
Would you like to step out of that?
Even a little bit more?
What might your life look like if you took just ONE thing and threw out that Good Girl script?
What might be waiting on the other side when you released your grip on approval?
Imagine.
Imagine yourself just a little bit less tethered.
And a lot more free.
That's how we change the world. That's how we dismantle patriarchy.
A little bit at a time. One woman, one area of life.
And then more and more and more and a tidal wave of change. Every woman, the very structure of our society.
This, your own wildness, your own belonging to yourself, is what you'll come home to in SHEWOLF: Awaken the Wild Woman Within.
Patriarchy teaches us to self-abandon.
For safety, we became the Good Girl.
Now, for liberation, we will become the Wild Woman.
Are you ready?
